Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto

So this afternoon...slow...as...hell. My leg is tapping a mile a minute under my desk, I think I need a vitamin C shot, stat! Or is it a lack of iron that makes me jumpy? Eh, don't care.

My mind has wandered today, through various topics, most revolving around me and my life, one involving me trying to remember who played the cowboy on Pee Wee's Playhouse (Laurence Fishburne)...and now I've settled on thinking about boys, or men (that in b/w stage, the mid 20's, where I don't feel comfortable referring to them as men yet), or basically the male sex in general. I wonder how it is that we all get our ideas on what constitutes as a "spark". For me, I guess it's good conversation, a slight flirtation, common interests (meaning: my interests), and feeling comfortable. I'm not a hopeless romantic: I don't want flowers b/c flowers die and I'm always too lazy to throw them away so they just sit on my kitchen table for weeks, ugly and dead with their leaves slowly falling off one by one. I like having my car door opened, but sometimes it makes me feel weird. Like it's too formal. I like people paying for me but not out of any sense of tradition but b/c I'm poor and I take anything free I can get. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable, b/c w/ money comes power and I don't want anyone to control me, though I doubt buying me dinner really warrants any control. Affection in general can make me feel awkward, b/c I think you need to really know someone to have genuine intimacy so everything else is a facade. And I'm not a good actress. It's like this feeling I get when I'm riding in a car and everyone is talking and having a good time and laughing and tra la la la la...and at that moment I think back to some drinking and driving commercial and think we're going to crash, even if no one is drinking. Even if it's two on a Sunday. It's the calm before the storm, the moment when everything seems okay then bam- you find yourself wrapped around a tree. So yeah...I guess any happy moment is like that...you're with someone who likes you and you like them then bam- they've met someone else. You think I'm jaded for a reason...not at all. Just a general distrust in everything that has the potential of not going my way. Great attitude, right? So I was saying that I wonder where we get our romantic ideals, must be the movies, b/c that's where we get everything, it's the circle of life. The chicken or the egg. I'm thinking that some guys are a little too into the hetero-sensitive Good Will Hunting and Robin Williams' "I gotta see about a girl" speech. That's what popped into my head. I guess I worry about this love at first sight theory b/c I think of myself as an acquired taste. Maybe I want my quirks to be cute and not annoying and that's not a surface assumption. No one w/o knowing me will think it's cute I bite my nails. So f*cking what? It's a disgusting habit. A turn off. But if you learn that I do it when I get nervous or when I'm bored during a movie then it has meaning. I don't know why I'm going off on this, I'm bored, I'm tired, I need coffee, and I like to think about these things. The unexamined life isn't worth living, I fall back on this anytime I'm feeling over analytical or obsessive. Okay, I'm spent.
R.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I think the blaggblogg has the best tribute to Mitch Hedberg, so I'm just going to copy and paste. And then read it again and laugh.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I'll just give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut...Some skeptical friend, donÕt even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...oh wait it's back home in the file...under "D", for doughnut.

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas don't grow shit.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Reading this made me think of my old roommate (we both thought Mitch was funny and would quote him on occasion). I miss Dennis. He's not dead, he just lives too far away from me. I'm in West Hollywood, he's in Westwood. It just won't work.
R.

I can't make you love me if you don't

Dearest Blogger,

I don't know if it was something I said or did, but lately you have been acting a little weird. Is it someone else? Is it that I'm not religious? Is it my tendency to not answer your phone calls during important television programs? I'm going to attempt to keep this judicial and not lose my temper, I don't want to say something I'll regret (I don't want to repeat the Friendster incident). So here are a few things you've done recently that have made me feel a little unloved:

Example #1: Document contains no data.
Are you trying to ignore me? I know you're there, but you won't respond. Over and over I call out to you...blogger....blogger. But nothing. You just turn away from me, you cold heartless bastard. Is this because I didn't have time for you a few weeks ago? I'm sorry, work was crazy, but I was always thinking about you. Always.

Example #2: The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.
Internal error? Misconfiguration? En anglais, por favor. I know we've had to face the language barrier in the past, with me being a human and you being a URL. I don't speak html. I know, I should have taken a class in college, but instead I took four semesters of French and where did that get me? I can only say four phrases, none of which can be strung together to form a complete thought.

I'm sure there are other things that you've done to piss me off lately, but I don't feel that it's necessary to list them all right now...there are some things we should keep private (like the fact that you never hold me after sex). If you want to continue this relationship, then when I hit "publish post" you'll publish goddammit and not take fifteen f*cking minutes sitting on 0 % until I give up and go to another webpage. Is that what you want?

I say these things b/c I want this to work.

XOXOXO,
R.

p.s. Even after writing this heartfelt letter, you're still pulling the same sh*t ...document contains no data...what the f*ck do you think all of this is?

The William Morris Copier Scandal of 2005

This message is mainly for whoever the individual is who felt the need to make a photocopy of their extended middle finger...

Because you did this with the entire glass exposed the copy comes out almost totally black due to toner coverage. This causes the copier to jam at the fuser unit because there is too much toner covering the paper and therefore it sticks to the fuser unit. This also cause the rollers inside the machine to get dirty and causes the machine to provide poor copy quality to the people who come immediately after you.

Worse yet...when you saw that the copier had jammed you became scared and ran way from the machine so that the individual(s) who came after you had to be incovenienced. At the least (if you are going to engage in juvenile behavior) you could have cancelled the job and cleared the jam instead of just walking away and being apathetic to the situation which you created.

If there are any questions about this please let us know.

Respectfully,
Roger

p.s. - Due to the clarity of the picture, and some distinguishing marks, we will know you when we see you.

The lesser of two evils

The title refers to nicotine vs carbs. To be specific a cigarette vs a bagel. What would Atkins do?

There's this girl I work with who I've now (as in five minutes ago) decided is the bane of my existence. I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself with the simplest of instructions. And b/c I'm such a good person, I feel bad for getting aggravated and thinking she's a complete idiot. But mainly I care b/c if I make a mistake she will be able to throw it back in my face and think of me w/ the same disdain I often think of her. I know what that's like, I don't want those thoughts directed at me.

I'm a little bored, I should preface this post w/ that comment.

Do you ever worry that you may offend someone by using the word "retarded" b/c they actually have a sibling who is retarded? But yet you use it anyway.

I just wrote to my friend via IM on why I can't go out w/ him tomorrow:
"I'm having a writing meeting with my roommate. We've made it official. We're going to be writers."
And this is when the term "retarded" comes into play.

I have a friend who has recently been abusing the smiley faces in her IM's to me. After every statement, she includes a :) Or a :( And sometimes a ;) if she's being sly or cute. But the worst, the final straw came when I received this:
:) ok :(
A smiley face sandwich, seething with passive-aggressive intonations. So I don't want to go to a movie with you...get over it. I'm not going to see the frowny face and change my mind. In fact, it only makes my decision to stay home that much more secure. But I can't absolve myself completely, I too have been known to smiley on occasion. Maybe she learned it from watching me, all those times when I didn't know how to respond so I just smiled like this :) which is what I would probably do if we were face to face, but looking a little more uncomfortable. Thank god for lol's though...they've helped me out of many an awkward situation.
R.

Things that made me laugh

1. Clippy: The E! True Hollywood Story

I can't stop laughing at this story. Honestly, I will be doing something else, maybe faxing, copying, or stapling papers, or even organizing papers to fax, copy, or staple or I'm unstapling papers to fax and make copies or copying papers to staple and fax and this will pop into my head along w/ the image of Clippy and his "friendly bug eyes and smug smile"...

Clippy was riding high. With each new version of Microsoft Office, all the way through the turn of the millennium, Clippy was right there, annoying the ever-living fuck out of anyone who wasn't retarded. "It looks like you're writing a letter," he would so keenly observe, "Would you like some help?" No matter how many times he was banished by a momentarily peeved office worker, Clippy would always find his way back into the mainstream

Insert more of Clippy's story here, but I'm going to now skip to the end...

Love him or hate him, there is no denying the impact Clippy had on all of us.

"It looks like you're writing a letter," Clippy calls out me, looking desperate and hopeful.

Sorry Clippy, unfortunately I am not.

(via daily roundup)


2. Goulet!

Remember the image of the Virgin Mary on the cheese sandwich (which spawned my favorite ebay item ever- the virgin mary-kate and ashley cheese sandwich)? In the same realm we now have Robert Goulet's face on Arnold's disturbingly unfit stomach. It's like a train wreck, meaning I can't look away, if you're not familiar w/ the adage. Or like when you smell something so god awful you just can't stop yourself from smelling it again. Or you hand it to your friend and say "smell this" and they say "why would I smell that if you just said it smelled so bad?" but they end up smelling it anyway and you both laugh and laugh and laugh. So yeah, it's like that.

(via Bre)


3. Is my 2 year old a racist?

I'm not a salon.com member (re: not elite) so I can't read the entire article, but just the image of the kid in the devil costume w/ the blacked out eyes is enough for me. So innocently smiling, all the while hating black people. Speaking of racists, I watched The Office last night and found it much funnier than the first episode, maybe b/c it wasn't an exact copy of the original. Or maybe it was the American version of Keith (big monotone guy in British version), with his "Let's smoke some weed, mon" or "How abouta some spaghetti?" He floored me.

(via gawker)


4. Surprise party to cheer up Conor Oberst

Again, made me laugh. I'm going with a theme, if you couldn't tell by the title. Maybe I need my own clippy- "Looks like you're writing a blog". It could help me insert witty comments and keen observations. I'd call him "bloggy" (an homage to the fallen clippy, obvs). Moving on...this made me think of this version of Mad libs cleverly renamed Sad libs in Fran Magazine in which you were to replace lyrics to a Bright Eyes song. Funny.

(via stereogum)


5. Swank: International Fruit Smuggler?

With the huge success of Brokedown Palace, they (meaning really important people who have the power to greenlight movies) are already in talks for the film version of this incident, starring Hilary Duff as Hillary Swank and Chad Micheal Murray as the fruit (they worked together in A Cinderella Story, so they're already, like the best of friends). I can picture (insert me, looking off into space, thoughtfully) the Oscar winning moment as Duff delivers the heart breaking speech below:

I’m just a simple girl from a trailer park. How could I know that I had to tell people that I was carrying fruit for my husband, Chaz? Luckily, they let me keep my can of Cheez Whiz and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, otherwise I would’ve had nuthin’ to eat the entire trip. Hey, have you ever been on an airplane? They give you little bags of nuts to eat!

(via defamer)

And that's it for the "things that made me laugh" issue. If I could have touched just one person out there, I'd like that person to be Orlando Bloom.
R.

Dude, where's my career?

So last night I watched the Bachelor b/c apparantly I have become a souless, mindless lump of flesh who watches whatever is in front of her w/ no regard for it's quality or lack thereof. Gone are the days of intellectual programming (no examples come to mind) as I make room for Lizzie Grubman and Charlie O'Connell to infiltrate my life on a weekly basis. Nevertheless, watching women cat fight is always fun (referring to the bachelor in this case, but same could be said for power girls), especially when you can sit back and realize that despite their "good bodies" or their "perfect hair", you are in fact a better person than most of them. And that kind of superiority is hard to come by. My favorite quote of the evening: after something I can't remember, Sir Charlie (the bachelor, yo) claimed "I'm no rocket scientist" while displaying what Ashley called "a look of pure stupidity on his face". What? Come again? But, I thought Jerry O'Connell was the actor and Charlie O'Connell was the rocket scientist. No? They're both actors? Oh, my mistake. But seriously, playing second fiddle to Jerry must be tough...thank god for Charlie's breakout role in "Dude, Where's My Car?". But if the tv guide display thing had anything to say about it, his claim to fame is actually the early 90's show "Sliders". But I'm not buying it.
R.

Sex me so good I say blah blah blah

The title has nothing to do w/ anything (unfortunately)...it's just stuck in my head.

This guy proves it's never too late for a 9/11 tribute. Yeah, I'm probably going to hell for this, but at least I'll know my friends are coming with me. We watched this guys video 3 times in a row on Saturday b/c it's that hilarious. Who knew good intentions and a Weird Al-ish haircut could provide minutes of fun! If there's one purchase you make this week...it should be you buying this video. For reals. And don't get the CD single, you must get the video for the full effect. It's all about the visuals. You'll have the song stuck in your head for days...and that's not a good thing. It's like that time I couldn't get Avril Lavigne out of my head and contemplated suicide. Damn you Sk8er Boi! And now I'm singing it again...f*ck.

It only happens a few times a year that I see a movie I just keep thinking about and yesterday was one of those times. What movie, you ask? Why, it was The Ballad of Jack and Rose. I'm not going to do a movie review b/c frankly I suck at movie reviews, but just go see it. I mean, it's no Pacifier (you can't really compare the two, I mean, it did have a duck for a co-star...a crazy crazy duck) but it's good nonetheless.

I remember not that long ago I liked Zach Braff. I liked him when I saw him in The Broken Hearts Club, I liked him on Scrubs, and I liked Garden State. Now I think he's a tool. I can't pinpoint the exact point when he became a tool, or when I realized he was a tool, but here are a few moments pushing him closer and closer to attending P. Diddy's annual white party in the Hampton's as A. Kutchy's best friend:
1. He's been rumored to have dated Natalie Portman and Mandy Moore. Cool, famous girlfriend/f*ck buddy=tool.
2. He's been punk'd. And he did the whole "Oh, you got me, that's so hilarious, oh man, I'm so glad we're friends and we're both famous" thing. Being punk'd=tool.
3. He's directing a Gavin DeGraw video. Gavin sucks. Directing lame music video=tool.
4. He's playing the romantic lead in a film opposite a former Real World cast member. The film will probably suck. Being in a bad romantic comedy=tool.
5. He's probably tired of being approached. I'm just guessing on this one. Being annoyed with the fans that made you famous in the first place=tool.
*Sidebar- Yes, I'm linked to his blog. But in my defense I haven't looked at it in forever.

I watched My Own Private Idaho last night...I hadn't seen it since I was 13, which is strange that I had seen it when I was 13. Kind of inappropriate for a girl of that age, right? With the whole male prostitute story line. I like to think I was mature for my age. So...I wonder what River Phoenix would be doing now if he hadn't died. He would be almost 35. It's strange, how when people die, they're just frozen in time, at one age. I'm so deep, I know. But still...I mean, could you imaging someone like, say, James Dean as being any older than he was when he died. Bet ya can't. If I had died when I was 13, I would be remembered in a completely different way. The braces, the baby fat, the complete lack of fashion sense, etc. That was an awkward year for me. Good thing I left that awkwardness behind me (yeah...behind me).
R.

British 2: Americans 0

So last night I watched the new americanized (re: sucky) version of The Office. Now that you know how I feel about it, I dare to wonder...what do people who haven't seen the original Office think of the remake? Maybe it only sucks to me b/c I know the brilliance of the British version. It wasn't just that the jokes weren't funny, the new characters were just completely sub par to the originals (and this is me going in with really low expectations). I suppose this is how people felt after watching Coupling...if they saw the original. Me, having never watched the original, still found it very un-funny. Maybe I just answered my own question. But I have this feeling that if I felt like asking my co-workers their opinion, their response would be something along the lines of "hilarious" or "so funny". But for a frame of reference, they thought "Hitch" was a riot.

I'm not coming up with very many adjectives today. So far I have "sucks" "funny" and "unfunny". I will most likely reuse them in the next paragraph.

Tonight I'm hitting up the Brass Monkey for Katie O's birthday festivities. I already know what I'm going to sing...it's a little duet w/ Ashley, something we've had in the works since the last karaoke party. We joked about practicing but as the night grows closer, I'm thinking that wouldn't have been a bad idea. The Brass Monkey is a tough crowd....my last performance of "girl you know it's true" was met with yawns/complete disregard rather than the applause/cheers/signs touting "I Heart Reagan" I was hoping for. Yes, I find validation in the acceptance/praise of strangers. So tonight, it's on...Ray Lo and Mix Master Ash will debut their karaoke performance of "total eclipse of the heart". Watch your back, Bonnie Tyler.

I'm ready to go home...word on the street (by street I mean office corridor) is that we're leaving early. Good Friday, indeed. How's that for unfunny?
R.

I'll see your slobby chic and raise you one earthy elegance

We as a society (yes, I speak for everyone) like to organize things (of the pop culture persuasion in particular) into little sub groups...like music can't just be music and it can't even be generally classified as rock, but it's broken down into even smaller genres so that we can identify the group and say, "Yes, I would like that b/c I like this band and they're in the same group." Kind of like the transitive theory- if a=b and b=c then a=c and if I like a and I like b then I'll like c...I'm confused. My point, yes....my point. Oh, it's that fashion has, after what seems like years of the Olsens, mainly that (recovering) anorexic one, dressing like they couldn't be bothered w/ using a hairbrush or an iron, that perennial look of being hungover and grabbing your clothes from the hamper as you run out for your non-fat soy milk vanilla bean caramel mocha frappucinno, the fashion industry has thus declared their style to be the new rage...and rage, thy name is slobby chic. Wow, that took me a while to get to my point, didn't it? But why now? Why now are they labeling this bohemian style that I feel has already outworn its welcome? Maybe I'm just jealous b/c my style goes more in the direction of basic and boring (I'm a Velma, not a Daphne). I wonder when that will catch on. I feel tricked when I follow a fashion trend or icon, like I'm being led on, mainly to believe that if I dress like them I might be as cool them. But I won't. And are they even "cool" persay? Or is that another trick...manipulative bastard celebrities! And speaking of the word "cool" everytime I use it I actually feel the opposite effect. Maybe only certain people have the right delivery. I should work on that...my delivery.
R.

Always one step behind the rest

How's this for the insider...the I'm stuck in rehab with Pat O'Brien blog (via defamer). Little did I know when I woke up on Monday morning that I would post not one but TWO items about the former Access Hollywood host. Honestly, I had no idea.

Thomas Haden Chruch puts his Wings legacy behind him by signing on to play the nemesis in Spiderman 3. I never watched the show, but somehow I know his name was Lowell. How is that?

Ben Affleck to turn a movie to sh*t from the other side of the camera. Up next: Affleck starts a music career, thus adding new meaning to the term "triple threat".

Prozac Nation's big debut...on Starz! Watch Christina Ricci cry, scream, thrash about, and probably cry some more. I can almost here it now...and it's making my ears bleed. Here's what Elizabeth Wurtzel had to say about the film version of her novel:
Wurtzel herself was less tactful in a recent assessment of the film, telling the New York Times, "As you should have figured out by now, it's a horrible movie."
My assessment: An instant cable television classic!'

The biggest tragedy of the 21st Century....30 Odd Foot of Grunts have broken up. I feel like a part of me has died.

I watched American Idol last night for the first time this year and frankly, I thought they all sucked. Except for the guy who looks like a retarded chipmunk, he was okay. And now, there's an uproar in my office over the fact that the numbers were wrong for the voting. Seriously, a coworker just ran from down the hall shouting "Did you hear what happened with Idol???" Crazy cult, those Idol fans.

I read the greatest quote by Britney in Time magazine. It said something like "I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and the pool guy to walk the dog. Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks." (not verbatim) I think she may be my hero.

Reagan Out.

I'm obviously bored

This website is awesome mainly b/c it's called group hug. It also has a list of random confessions, some of which I have listed below:

-My dad sits in front of his computer all day downloading porn and organising it into sections...and so do I.

-I have spent the last 14 hours mastering 4 video games at the same time.

-I am stalkin the frozen yogurt machine at my dorm. (I swear, this wasn't me)

Hmmmm...interesting. Apparantly, they have a team of confession readers and (according to the rules section...one being submissions in all caps will not be considered) it seems like they're pretty stringent on what they accept onto their website. B/c if you read what has been posted, each person obvs went through a rigamarole to make it on to their prestigious site. I, on the other hand, prefer a different type of confession.

Yours truly,
R.

Two for the price of one

I wrote this yesterday but never posted:

Why do I find it so funny that Pat O'Brien is in rehab. Maybe it's the mental picture I have of him drunk off his a** at a strip club fondling some 19 year old girl working her way through medical school. Yep, just Pat and his mustache having one helluva time.

Friendster: The Movie. This is going to suck (b/c I'm sure everyone else has high hopes for it)...I can tell you, it's going to be probably the equivalent of "You've Got Mail" but instead of AOL, it will be Friendster bringing the two completely opposite but oh so right for each other desperate losers together. I'm sure a bunch of hilarious things will happen along the way. Like maybe, one person sends the other a message but b/c Friendster blows they don't get it in time and soon their on a train to Virginia to meet someone else they've met online who's also into The Killers and HWOSG. Bitter f*cking sweet.

I wrote this today:

Last night I watched what is destined to become a Lifetime Television for Women classic: Mom at Sixteen. It wasn't quite as awesome as Fifteen and Pregnant but it's borderline impossible to top Kirsten Dunst's tour de force performance in that gem. So back to Mom at Sixteen...my favorite part had to be (warning...spoiler ahead!) at the end of the movie when the 16 year old mom brought her baby to school to warn the other students what can happen if you have sex then at the end of her speech, people slowly started to give her a standing ovation (you know, when one person starts slowly clapping their hands together then another joins in then another and soon the entire room is filled w/ applause...I've always wanted to be the person that starts that...kind of like starting the wave). Can you believe it? These were the same people that called her a slut earlier in the movie when they found out she had a baby. Her speech was THAT powerful. I wasn't the only person affected by the movie, night_godess_the_lonely_unicorn (on IMDB...she also reviewed such movies as "A Walk to Remember" and "The Notebook"...she loves the tearjerkers) had this to say (regarding Danielle Panabaker's performance):
She played a confused, scared single mother..It actually seemed like this was coming from a real 16 year old single mom..Most stories seem like they were written by a 35 year old male..This one was so well written, that you would think it came straight from a 16 year old girl's mind..It was definitely a great movie, that I would watch again in a heartbeat
So would I night godess...so would I.

I'm so immature...some guy named Linus just called and I got a mental picture of Linus from Charlie Brown pounding away on his piano. And I giggled.
R.

Viva las loser

I have such gamblers remorse this morning. Maybe it's b/c I just checked my bank account and it's been seriously depleted. So now I'm playing this little game called "What bills can I afford to pay this month". It' s not as fun as it sounds, it's a little like roulette. C'mon Adelphia! But I need to get over it b/c I did have fun this weekend. We got to the hotel around 1 in the morning on Friday, drank a lot in a short amount of time, gambled, lost, drank, gambled, lost, ate cheez its, went to bed, the end. Woke up the next morning and started the day w/ a buffet breakfast (damn you buffet...damn you to hell!) before going to the pool for a few hours to get a tan. Or just burn the area above my a**. Either/or.

New paragraph, to break it up a bit. Walked around for a while, mainly to just waste time and not lose money, then gambled again. I'm obsessed w/ black jack machines for two reasons: 1) I love black jack and 2) I can play for quarters. I'm not a high roller, obviously. So first I play video poker and lose about $25 before I discover previously mentioned black jack machine. I put in one dollar and from it, I win back all the money I had lost. Who knew breaking even could feel so great? Then went to dinner at some little Italian restuarant and ate my face off. And then...surprise...gambled some more. And lost. Again. All my money. Sucks. I blame it on this dealer Lily from Cambodia. When she took over, my luck took a turn for the worse. Or maybe it took a turn for the worse after dude with the awesome curly mullet to make up for his thinning hair on top left the table. I can't pinpoint the exact moment, I just know I was up then I was out. Next day we finished off the weekend w/ another buffet breakfast where I ate until I couldn't physically injest another bite. Sexy, right? I'm just a girl who likes to get my money's worth. Take that Luxor- you can take my money with your stupid/wonderful machines, but I'll get it back....in eggs! And to end my rambling version of my weekend, I'll say that I was so tired last night I couldn't move and today my bones are so sore I feel like I have arthritis. Why is that?

This week I really have to work my a** off to get rid of those extra lbs I put on this weeked with the buffets. But right now, the thought of extreme makes me want to die. And I'm actually hungry. I really thought yesterday's breakfast would hold me over for at least 3 days. I should stop typing now, this is really boring.
R.

Lizzie Fugman & Ashton F*ckwit: sucking since 1975

So last night I watched the premiere of PoweRGirls and I can already tell it's going to be one of those shows I love to hate/hate to love. You know, like anything else on MTV (that damn Simpson double threat of stupidity and obnoxiousness). There's something about Lizzie Fugman, err, Grubman's face that fasinates me. It's like it might have been pretty at one point or had the potential to be but something went terribly wrong. Was it that one extra shot of collagen in her lips? Or maybe going that extra shade of blonde, well, blonder? Or staying in the tanning booth for those extra 15 minutes a day? It's a mystery, I feel like it's a painting and if you peel off the layers maybe underneath there's a whole other painting that was okay to begin with. I'm thinking too much on this, but like I said, I'm fascinated. And...last note...it was rumored that she and John Mayer were making out at some douchebag club. He also has a face that makes me wonder, like he's somewhat attractive but only in certain lights. Like really low lighting. So how's this for sad: as I'm watching the show I say to Ashley "I wish I was VIP" and then during the commercial break I go back to my TIME article on how to end poverty. Should put things in perspective, right? I mean, as I'm reading about how 6 billion people die every year b/c they don't even have the basic resources to survive, I'm watching Linsday Lohan hide under her jacket to sneak into the opening of some "insert cool name here" club so she can avoid those pesky papparazzi. I'm not trying straddle my moral high horse here, I'm just saying. What does that mean, anyway- "I'm just saying". Hmmm....a little off topic. But I have no where else to go w/ this.

Today could not creep by any slower. I just got yelled at on the phone, though I completely understand why, it was more like yelling about something than at me, and I don't take it personally. I'm just a little startled. And pissed off b/c someone else really f*cked up and now we have to clean up his mess. A**hole.

Oh god, I'm ready for the weekend. So ready so ready. I'm on my lunch break now, which should have ended 20 mins ago, but I just can't go back. Not yet. Go back, meaning stop forwarding all my calls to voicemail. My boss is going to come back in a rampage. I better get ready. At least it's not aimed at me, but the a**hole mentioned in the previous paragraph.

Does anyone else think the preview for Sin City looks pretty effing awesome? At the same time, it also looks like the movie could completely suck. Speaking of sucking, I was not impressed with the new Star Wars trailer. Though I do like me some Hayden Christensen. But not so much as Anakin. And how much does Guess Who look like it's going to blow? Ashton Kutcher has the amazing ability to turn anything to sh*t. Even if it was sh*t to begin with. So I suppose in this case, it's not really his fault. Seriously, a remake of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" with Ashton F*ckwit playing the Sidney Poitier role? Guess who won't be seeing this movie? (answer at bottom of page). Like how I did that...the whole guess who thing. How did I get so clever?
R.
answer: me

I'm not an addict, it's cool, I feel alive

I just smeared blueberry all over my desk. Don't ask why. I feel like I need to make up for yesterday's whiny post, it was a bit regressive in terms of me moving away from complaining about myself. That's something I'm trying to do. So...I'm ready for my weekend trip to Vegas, been ready all effing week. And this week just will...not...end. I'm a little nervous though, after losing $100 last weekend, I can't really afford to pull that same slick maneuver again. But I have a slight gambling problem, a result of my addictive personality. I just can't not gamble if I'm around it. So instead, I want to spend the day by the pool, weather permitting. B/c I just had a flashback to a party not that long ago at my friend's house and there was some random sixty-ish man there who told me I had nice legs but I needed to get some sun. I didn't really take it to heart b/c, well, he was sixty. But maybe he was right...I am looking a little pasty. Thanks old man!

I heart Dave Eggers (thanks Katie!). He's adapting "Where the Wild Things Are" for Spike Jonze. Can't wait.

Time to start the work day. That makes me sad.
R.

I knew there was something compelling about your apathy

Last night I decided I was going to start writing in a journal. So I did....and it went a little like this. This meaning what I write here, not this like I'm going to break into song. I also decided to make a list, cleverly titled "Things that make me happy." It sounds like the beginning to a second grade project. Next thing you know I'll be outlining my hand to draw a turkey (which is actually quite fun, don't knock it). Why am I so weird? Sometimes I think it's cute, but other times, it's a bit bothersome. Like lately I've been ridiculously obsessive. I've always checked my email way too often for the fact that I only get maybe 5 a day, not counting offers for breast enhancement and penis enlargement. But lately, it's like every few minutes I'm back to my yahoo. What am I expecting, really? I think the thing is, I try to imagine what other people are thinking. So if someone doesn't write me back, I come up with a reason, which is usually negative and usually involves them hating me. In reality, probably not even thinking about it. B/c, and it's sad to say this, but everything doesn't have to do with me. I do like to imagine that maybe on some level everyone is in love with me but b/c of their own issues they can't admit it. That most people find me endearing. But not an endearing clown.

I just held a baby and felt so effing awkward. Its head was just flopping around and I couldn't cradle it in the right position. Honestly, I wanted to hold it out like a football. Wait...that's not how you hold a football. Where did I get that? Anyway, no maternal instinct, that's my point. And now I smell like baby, you know that mixture of baby powder and spit up. Ick.

I want to make out with someone attractive. On a regular basis. Is that too much to ask?
R.

Tate Donovan- the endearing clown

Despite my initial hesitation (b/c there were other choices for my viewing pleasure), I had to check out Fat Actress last night to see what all the hype was about. I mean sure, Kirstie Alley had some funny moments as Rebecca on Cheers (esp with that Sam Malone...what a pair!) and I won't lie and say I didn't laugh at her crazy antics in Look Who's Talking Now so maybe that will transfer to her Showtime debut, right? It didn't. Sorry, Uncle Grambo, but I thought the show totally blew. Big time...get it..."big" time??? Oh, Carris Bradshaw's got nothing on my puns. And after trashing the show, I will now admit I only watched 5 minutes of it...that's how bad I thought it sucked. I switched over to But I'm a Cheerleader whenever Kirstie was sitting in the car shoving a double double into her mouth. So apparantly, she didn't get fat gradually, but did so by shoveling food into her mouth marathon style, not even taking time to swallow before talking. Yeah, that's hilarious.

When I was at the gym last night, I couldn't help but notice the Real World/Road Rules challenge on tv #7. I only noticed it, b/c I didn't actually listen to it or look for a long period of time. But I did see that the new teams, rather than Real World vs. Road Rules or Girls vs. Boys of seasons past, have been oh so cleverly labeled Bad Asses vs. Good Guys. So I went to mtv.com to check out the line-up and I see that they have Tonya under the bad ass category. Tonya? Really? Isn't this the girl who cried about her medical bills? Maybe she's gotten bad ass-ier in the competitions (which I don't watch, I'm the intellectual type, none of that for me). Yeah...so it perplexed me. As did Robin being on the good guys side. She went to jail, people. She gets violent under the influence of alcohol. Are those essential edicts of the bad ass law?

Melanie Griffith creeps me out (via golden fiddle). Maybe it's the lips. Or the fact that she seems to be aging really quickly. Is it just me or does she look like she's approaching her 80's? It's like Death Becomes Her. Anyone remember that classic?

I'm a Jimmy (via Johnny Awesome). A Jimmy? I don't even know what to say. I guess all those times my friends said "You are just like Tate Donovan" I should have listened. Or "That's so something Tate Donovan would do." Or even "Tate Donovan has that same sweater." Okay, a little off track. And confusing characters on a tv show w/ real life people (Seth/Adam...is there a difference?) But here's what me being a Jimmy actually means:
You are somewhat of an endearing clown. You are likeable but not well respected because you sacrifice internal skill development (personal competence) in being too externally preoccupied and people pleasing. You will go farther by pursuing and developing internal interests than being preoccupied with keeping people happy.
This makes me sound liks an ass. Thanks OC quiz. Thanks for nothing.

And finally...a big congratulations (or big ups, if you wish) to Ashley for completing her second LA Marathon. Finally, her stubborness pays off. I mean, awesomeness. I meant awesomeness.
R.
"Hey George Michael, Jesus called...He wants his Thriller Album Back"

Gumdrops and lollipops

That's what I wish life was all about...

I don't know where to start in regards to my weekend. It's hard to talk about it, b/c right now I'm only thinking about how much Monday sucks and wondering why the dentist had to make me feel bad about myself. Seriously, I was strapped (figuratively) in the chair b/w the dentist and his aide lady and they were tag teaming me with the benefits of invisalighn. I've never been pressured to try drugs (you know, like you're walking home and outside of a playground two "punk" kids try to make you smoke the weed?) but I have a feeling it would go a little like this. By the end of my session, I was like "Yeah, invisalighn, sounds great." Until they had their little cashier/receptionist girl bring me a preliminary bill and I started laughing. Seriously. In. Her. Face. Followed by my response of "You did see that I put down assistant for occupation." To which she said "But we have a payment plan." Then me "Unless that payment plan can be spread out over the next 20 years, it's not going to work." Looks like they cornered the wrong girl on the playground. After that, it even got worse, when I asked to be put on a payment plan for my $185 visit (I'm poor, I have no shame in admitting it) and I didn't pass the credit check. I'm telling you, it's that f*cking Hollywood Video that claims I rented some movie for a year and a half and they're trying to charge me $120. They may ruin my credit, but I'm not budging. I mean, even Blockbuster didn't come after me and I have TWO videos I rented from their establishment and never returned (and one I never even watched). So I hope Mr. Hollywood Video himself is reading today, b/c you can try to intimidate me with your letters and credit collectors, but you will never see that $120. Never!
So my weekend...went to Brad's Friday night to finish libations from Sunday's Oscar party....and finish I did. After knocking back 3 strong by my standards drinks, Kathy arrived to whisk me away to Barney's Beanery where, shocker, I drank some more. And then...then right before closing I saw the most beautiful boy/man/guy/person ever across the room (or two feet away). So with my drunken courage, knowing he's out of my league (not an insult to my self, just a fact) I walk up to him and just say "Hi" (and probably something else though I can't remember). As it turned out, you can be both man pretty AND have a good personality, b/c even though I don't remember his name or a damn thing he said, I remember him being funny and me laughing. And his friends saying I was hilarious. And them ignoring other girls and talking to me instead. So take that, all you LA girls with your boobs and your a**es squeezed into your Seven jeans and your one of a kind Louis Vitton purse that's oh so special b/c it's in a different color yet looks exactly the same...sometimes personality counts more than looks. (By sometimes, I mean that one time).
And there's more. After Barney's, went back to Kathy's where we continued to drink like we were being initiated into a frat until 7 in the morning where we came up w/ the brilliant idea to go to the beach and swim. Until we stepped outside and I said "Uh uh...too cold. Let's get breakfast instead." So on the way to breakfast we decide to go to Vegas. And then when we realize we can't b/c Kathy has to be back that night, we instead to go the Morongo casino outside Palm Springs and gamble all day. And I lose $100 playing blackjack. I have no luck, can't catch a break, I'm wondering if God is mad that I've said bad things about him. Most I'm ever up is $7 on a poker machine, where I'm sitting next to this octagenerian with an attitude about the drink prices, but while I'm slowly losing my $7 profit, she's winning $45. B*tch. No need to go on...I lost $100 and I'm depressed. That's $100 I could have put toward my invisalighn.
Last but not least, Sunday Randy and myself walked to see Ashley run the marathon. When she reached us I decided it would be funny to tell her my legs hurt from walking 12 blocks (they did!) while she was approaching mile 19. She didn't so much laugh as not respond. Hey, with the walk back that was 24 blocks for me. I'm hard core.
R.

I was punched in the face. What's your excuse?

Today, I present to you: Random thoughts from Reagan (just like yesterday, but today it has a name)

I seriously can't wait for Lords of Dogtown. It's written by Stacey Peralta (so it has to be slightly accurate) and directed by Catherine Hardwicke (loved that "Thirteen"). It's fun to see people playing other people (Victor Rasuk is the mirror image of Tony Alva!)...especially when that person is Emile Hirsch. Yummy.....

Ever notice how some people like the sound of their own voice? (no, I'm not talking about myself...this time). I'm completely referring to someone I just spoke to on the phone who you don't know and even if I said their name, you'd say "Who is that" and I'd say "Oh, it's just this person" and then you'd say "Oh" and go talk to someone else. Not really worth it, right?

Great moments in history, part one: I never wrote anything about "My Super Sweet 16" b/c during it's initial run I was sort of on blog hiatus, but I have to say, I hated this girl the most. I don't think I've ever wanted to punch someone in the face so badly. I mean, if I had a choice b/w taking her out or Osama, I would have to take a moment to think about it. I just can't effing stand rich b*tches. I've said my peace, and I'm done.

Did anyone know that Gael Garcia Bernal was protesting the Oscars? Isn't sort of the reason for protesting that you actually make a point? Don't worry Gael, I protested the Oscars too...b/c I didn't go (i.e. wasn't invited). On a side note (isn't it all just a bunch of side notes?) I thought "The Motorcycle Diaries" was the best film of the year. (Official "Best of 2004" List to be released at a later date). Another side note, reminds me of the time my friend Brea protested BCBG not carrying size 14 w/ a bunch of plus size women when she was pushing a size 00. Oh, and when her brother Zane protested worker wages in front of the Gap (I'm assuming for the workers who make the clothes, not the sweater pushers) but funny thing was, he'd never worked a day in his life. Wait, is that funny? Well it was when Emily shouted "Zane" out the car window, thus making him the most popular of all 3 protestors. I've told this story before, I know this.

I don't know if Ashley ever posted this (don't want to steal her thunder), but I'm still laughing about the crazy things they have Jesus doing. I just never realized he was so athletic...maybe if he had worn a muscle shirt instead it would have accurately accentuated his physique. Reagan, that's just wrong.
R.
*title inspired by The Daily Roundup...and the fact that it's been a while since I've referenced/directly quoted "Rushmore"

I only want to cuddle with hot people

I am bored today. I'm going to post random things. Enjoy!

1. So I've already said I'm becoming/have become obsessed w/ The Blood Arm (I'm probably way behind, I'm sure all the "cool" people have been into them for years). You should check out "Do I have your attention?"...I like it, maybe you will (do) too.

2. What the hell is this? (via TOTC) Before jumping to conclusions, I checked out the FAQ section to answer some of my questions:

Why would anyone want to cuddle with a bunch of strangers?

It's different for everybody. Many of our FTC's (First Time Cuddlers) don't want to cuddle with strangers at all, but during the Welcome Circle people find out that many people there have shown up for similar reasons. Once we've taken the first step in getting to know one another, it's surprising easy to want to reach out and rub someone's shoulders, or ask for a hug.

For some, attending a Cuddle Party is a good way to meet new and interesting people and to take a look at the state of touch, affection and intimacy in today's world. For others, it's a means of exploring their touch and communication boundaries. For still others, it's a safe way to get some good, clean affection.

And some other questions (answers not posted):

Will there be a bunch of pajama-wearing weirdos there?

What do I do if no one wants to cuddle me?

Do you allow people to come to parties if their partners don't know about it?

Can you pay at the door?

Can I get stoned at a Cuddle Party?

What the heck is a Puppy Pile?

3. Back to work, I new this was only a brief respite from working my a** off.

xoxo,
Reags

Can I have your attention?

So the other day Ashley posed (sounds much deeper than saying "asked") the question, "What if there's something I'm really good at but don't know about it?" I mean, that's probably true, seeing as how I haven't tried that many things. Sure, I covered the basics as a child by taking dance, twirling, karate, piano and playing soccer, softball, basketball, and tennis...but I never really excelled at any of these things. Maybe I would be a concert pianist by now if I'd taken lessons for more than a year? Instead I learned how to play "The Entertainer" then threw in the towel. All I learned from Karate was protect your face (or maybe that's boxing, am I mixing up childhood memories w/ "Million Dollar Baby"?). Other things I've tried that I haven't been successful at: juggling, walking on a wheel barrell (I tried to create my own circus in my backyard...as a child), singing, gymnastics (at 13, my lack of flexibility and talent forced me into the 5 year old class), writing, and I'm sure there's more, but I'll stop there before I get depressed. So what else is out there for me? Oh, one more thing, I tried stand-up comedy while drunk at 2 in the morning in front of my friends and got the distinct feeling they were laughing at me rather than with me. And I'm done. What was the point of all of this?

Recently I received a message in my friendster mail from some random guy saying this:
Hi
Cute you are.
Hmmm...nice. And strange. Did he not read that I'm only looking for friends? And not even really friends, more like people I already know. Sorry Westley, not interested I am.

I heard this great song by Petula Clark on the radio the other day and can't for the life of me remember the name of it. I'm also obsessed w/ "The Blood Arm" but I've only heard one song. But according to their website, there's only like 4 on their CD. So basically, 3 more to go to become super fan? I'm so glad I have a radio now. Did I mention that I'm now the proud owner of a '93 Cutlass Cierra? Jealous? Yeah, I inherited it from my grandpa. Little did I know when I was riding around in it, joking to my parents that "I'd give anything to have a sweet ride like this" that my dream would soon become a reality. Anything is better than the piece of sh*t I was driving...w/a passenger door that wouldn't open, no stereo, a motor that sounded like a bicycle w/ a baseball card in the spokes, and water in the floor boards. Maybe that's how I should advertise it on craigslist...any buyers?

Oh, and I've been out of the celeb gossip loop, seeing as how I never read blogs anymore and stopped reading gossip magazines (I'm an intellectual now, I read scripts). But Paris Hilton is dating a guy...named Paris? Funny. (Sometimes it's the simple coincidences that amuse me).
R.

If you don't know me by now...

It's been a while since I've written anything, reason being that I have not had a moment to breathe at work much less write a witty diatribe on my life. I flatter myself, don't I? Witty? Let's just call it a self-indulgent online diary and leave it at that.

So this weekend was interesting. I started off Friday night w/ a little karaoke at Peppermint Studios, a place that has karaoke rooms a la "Lost in Translation." If you care, the songs performed by yours truly were as follows:
1. Bonnie Tyler "Holding out for a Hero" (they didn't have "Total Eclipse of the Heart"...hard to believe, right?)
2. Simply Red "If You Don't Know Me by Now" (David Brent did it better, especially since I couldn't quite master the half singing/half talking lyrics)
3. ? "Ballroom Blitz" (I want to say Tia Carrere, but that was only in "Wayne's World")
4. Motley Crue "Home Sweet Home" (this was a duet w/ Randy...except halfway through he took the mike and got up on the table, leaving me awkwardly swaying back and forth beside the tv screen)
One thing I realized after Friday night- I want to make karoke videos for a living. They're so effing bad you can't help but love them. And maybe it's just me, but everyone in the videos looks like some 1980's Degrassi reject. I don't think it's just me. But seriously, I wonder if they actually get together and say, "Hey guys, let's make this awesome video for "Holding out for a Hero"...we'll have Heather dance around in a leotard and Tiffany, you should walk down the beach and look out into the ocean."

And now to Saturday...that night I went to two bday parties (two...can you believe it? I'm so popular) and ended up...surprise!...getting wasted. Against all my intentions of NOT flavoring myself beyond redemption, I not only drank my weight in alcohol, but also ended up making out w/ some random guy. I would be happy about this, seeing as how I've had a dry spell for, ummm...forever, but I think I might be past the point of enjoying the random hook-up (am I maturing?). Or maybe it's the fact that on the way home, I realized he was so goddamn annoying I wanted to kick him out of the car, but wasn't quite sure how to go about that. So...we're making out and the entire time, it's like a voice over is playing in my head. I'm thinking of everything except kissing this guy. I'm 1) embarassed b/c my friends saw that I picked up Timmy the retarded 4th grader (and were actually the ones that drove us back to my place), 2) embarassed b/c I'm having to fake enjoying myself which just comes out as a series of moans that sound really weird , and 3) embarassed b/c at one point I actually thought "What do I want for lunch tomorrow?" So there you have it. Yesterday I was really depressed about all of this, but today I'm finding it kind of funny. Oh, and b/c of my Saturday night exploits, I was too hungover to play in the dodgeball tournament on Sunday. I think that's actually what's making me depressed. But I did make it to watch the Oscars. And was happy w/ the winners. Although some disagree, "Million Dollar Babby" was the best picture of the year. I can almost cry right now just thinking about it.

And now I have to work.
R.